first

seeking first the kingdom of God...

i've been thinking about what that means.

and if i'm honest, i realize that there are a lot of things i tend to choose over my Father's dream for this world and His desires for my life. 

when i have a decision to make, what takes priority?

what comes first?

focusing on what i accomplish rather than who i am.

what i know over who i know.

achieving/earning more over giving more away.

talent over surrender.

reputation over integrity.

flattery over honesty.

peace over discipline.

comfort over growth.

greatness over humility.

independence over intimacy.

memory over grace.

safety over love.

i noticed a few things when i looked back over this list (which keeps growing as i continue thinking about it).

first...

the two options i feel like i must choose between are very rarely obvious opposites.

choosing beween love and hate - or even love and apathy depending on how you look at it - isn't usually a decision i struggle to make. but choosing between love and safety...

then...

it's not as simple as 'good' vs. 'bad'

comfort is good. growth is good.

but i've learned that i rarely get both and choosing comfort over growth...leads to decay.

finally...

your list could look completely different from mine.

and for that reason, it's probably worth making your own.

and at the end of all this thinking, i have one more to add to my list....

right over relationship.

the temptation to think the right things, say the right things, write the right things.....to be right and yet completely miss the whole point: a life-giving relationship with my Father.

part 3

A man in the crowd said, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."

When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"

"From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

"'If you can?'" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes."

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

imagine the scene.

a crowd of religious men who've missed the mark, a desperate father, a child thrown into a demonic fit and Jesus.

how should the story go?

Jesus should heal the boy, sort out the religious, and everyone can go home happy.

but the majority of his attention goes to the father in this story. why?

i can't know what Jesus was thinking and won't be able to comprehend His wisdom.

but when i put myself in the shoes of this father, i can at least begin to understand. maybe...

because when i relate to the father, i realize his need for healing, freedom and restoration was as great as his son's need.

and i realize how much healing, freedom and restoration i have experienced.

i've never been possessed by a demon, afflicted with serious illness or trapped by addiction.

it could be so easy to look around and see everyone else's obvious need for a Healer.

but Jesus came to look me in the eye, to heal me, to change my heart.

to infuse my life with hope, faith and love.

and He has.

inspiring me to cry out for help in the midst of my unbelief.

pounding walls of cynicism, fear and pride into dust.

and then teaching me to live in open spaces, free from restriction.

everyone else that day saw the son, but Jesus saw the father.

and i love Him for that.

part 2

it's taken me forever to write this because, honestly, i didn't realize how personal this story is. and yet i feel like i really need to keep writing, so maybe it's not just me who will find that this hits close to home....definitely too close for comfort.

can anyone relate to this father?

i know i can.

cynicism comes easy to me. easier than having faith, easier than hoping.

rather than hoping for the best, it's easier to expect the worse. and for some reason cynicism seems cooler than hoping. but i wonder if we elevate cynicism so we don't have to challenge ourselves?

once i can pinpoint what the worst outcome might be, i come to the conclusion that i have to depend on myself, because there are just some things in this life i can't control. and if i'm not in control, i will end up disappointed. because everything else will fail, but somehow i won't...

sounds kinda crazy, i know. but in all my attempts to be independent, i doubt that i'm alone in this.

so, to continue the story....

one day the father hears about another Healer, but this one is rumored to have "healing in His wings."

out of love for himself he guards his heart against the hope that springs up and out of love for his son he ignores the bitter feelings spreading across his chest. they leave early in the morning, he can't bear to see the hope in his wife's eyes for fear that he might start to hope.

the father stands and watches as religious men attempt, and fail, to heal his son until the Healer finally appears. He is visibly disappointed that the other men were not able to bring healing, it seems like He believed that they could.

and as his son is thrown into another fit, the Healer looks past the boy and straight into the eyes of the father.

why? can't He see that the young boy is the one with the obvious need?

part 1

so there's this father. he loves his family, provides for them, wants to see them grow and succeed.

but life lets him down.

at a young age his son becomes sick, deaf and mute. and it only gets worse...this sickness doesn't only affect his son's body but it plagues his soul. the father has had to endure what no parent should - watching his son throw himself into fire and water in pursuit of his own death. the father has been able to keep his son alive long enough to follow every murmur of a Healer, every rumor of Someone with the power to release his son.

but people let him down.

no one can heal his son.

hope fades and cynicism grows.

why should he continue to follow hope when all he finds is disappointment?

he resolves to stop playing the part of a fool.

when hope springs up, he stamps it out. he carefully builds walls around his heart so he won't feel the sting of disappointment or the red-hot pity from those around him.

how can he look his wife in the eyes when he can't even help their son? so he stops looking at her.

how can he pray to a God who won't help their son? so he stops praying.

why believe in a Healer who can't be found? so he stops believing.

and the walls grow thicker and his heart grows harder.

and life stops letting him down.

my story

the challenge: share your story in 440 characters (the max allowed in facebook status) or less...

My Story-grew up in church-always the good girl-to afraid to break rules. didn't need salvation from drugs,alcohol or sex. was desperate for freedom from fear,doubt,insecurity-desperate for my life to count for something. He changed me-gave me courage,faith,purpose. and love. crazy love that leaves no room for bitterness,fear or selfishness. now i'm a missionary-the old me would have been too scared.

plow

Jesus told a story about a farmer who went out and planted some seed.

i don't know much about farming today, but i've learned that the technique used during the time that Jesus told this story was to sow the seed and then plow the field. this would mix the seed into the soil where birds couldn't get to it so easily, pull up weeds and break up hard ground that had been trampled.


i used to think that it mattered what the soil was like when the seed fell.


but maybe it's more about what happens to the soil once the seed has fallen.

in the story that Jesus tells, the seed represents His Word. and the soil represents our hearts.
and the truth is, as much as we strive to be good soil all the time, we can all relate to each type of soil because we have all been there.
sometimes our hearts are hard, and His words are quickly forgotten.
sometimes our hearts are weary and burdened from the stresses in our lives.
sometimes our hearts are too full of other things to make room for His word.
and sometimes our hearts are soft and ready.

but maybe it doesn't matter what our hearts look like when we hear His Word. because like any seasoned farmer, once the seed has been sown He's going to plow through anyway. He's going to till the soil, move it around, break it up.

i feel like we can't always control the state of our hearts when we come to Him, life happens. and it seems like when we are the least ready to receive Truth is when we most need it.
but the beautiful thing is that it doesn't seem to matter.
He's going to give you a seed, Truth, His word, His life anyway.
but then He's going to want to plow.
He going to want to cut through that soil, mix it up, move it around...break it up.
tearing through barriers that have prevented anything from going deeper than the surface.
uprooting worries and fears.
digging up bitterness and anger you thought had been buried deep.
removing the things that have taken up to much of your time and devotion.
sounds painful.
and in my experience it usually is...
until...
that one seed, that one small portion of life grows and multiplies into abundant life.

so maybe there's no point asking 'what kind of soil are you?'
but rather 'will you let Him plow through?'

sunny

how would we pray if we believed that the answer would always be 'yes'? 
how many of our prayers would line up with our King's heart? with His dream?  

joshua asked for the sun to stop in the sky so they could win the battle. 
who's idea was that?! 
and what kind of courage did it take for him to ask that in front of Israel?  

maybe joshua was completely convinced of God's character. 
maybe joshua knew something about God's heart.  
maybe joshua really believed that the King was for them.  

but...does it really matter where the idea came from?  
the promise of victory was already there... 
did it really matter whether the victory came by hail storm or sunshine? 
i think maybe it did...  

joshua could have asked for another hail storm to finish them off. 
or he could have asked for the ground to swallow his enemies while they ran. 
but he asked for sunshine. for the chance to work with God, to be a part of what God was doing.


so...if we knew the answer would be yes, would we just ask for a quick fix?
or is it possible that His heart might be in more than the result?